the birth of Our Luke and Saviour

Saskatchewan.

Specifically, Saskatoon.

The year is 1989. the Saskatchewan Roughriders have won the CFL's Grey Cup.

Somewhere in Saskatoon, a baby is born to proud parents Rita and Jeff. It is a boy, weighing about 12 pounds.

"Jesus Rita, he's fucking huge."

"YOU THINK I WOULD KNOW I HAD TO CARRY HIM IN ME FOR NINE MONTHS"

The boys is named Luke. We're pretty sure he came out looking like this.

Mr. and Mrs. Schenn soon discover that their precious baby boy has been blessed with the smile of an angel, but with fists of fury. At a young age, the boy gets into hockey and dominates everyone around him. His massive size and, well, let's face it, weight, make him a top hockey player in Saskatchewan.

Luke Schenn (as he becomes known - one must never say just "Luke", because that implies generality, and Luke Schenn is not generic - he is ONE OF A KIND) becomes even more dominant around hockey circles, and kids start to make fun of his size.

"Hey Luke! You're so fat your ass has its own zipcode!"

"Hey Stevie, guess what?"

"What?"

"BEHIND MY ASS IS ANOTHER CHECK MOTHER FUCKER"

Stevie was never involved in hockey again.

Soon enough, Luke Schenn comes of age where he is drafted in the WHL to the Kelowna Rockets. He clearly dominates there as well. It is here where Luke Schenn hones his skills and where more important people than just little old Stevie begin to notice the wrath that is Luke Schenn.

"Don, who's that kid, number five?"

"OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS?!"

"Noooo....."

"OMG JIM THAT'S ONLY LUKE SCHENN LIKE OMG HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW HIM HAVEN'T YOU SEEN HIS DOMINANCE OMG OMG OMG"

After three years of playing in Kelowna, Luke Schenn had had enough. "Fuck this," he was reported saying. "I want to go to the fucking NHL."

Whatever Luke Schenn wants, Luke Schenn gets.

The day of the 2008 NHL Draft. Luke Schenn looks nervous, but is truly unphased. In a backroom deal he has met with Cliff Fletcher and told him, "Listen here. I want Toronto. Toronto wants me. If you know what's good for you, you will trade up and draft me." Cliff Fletcher responded with, "OMFG are you serious Luke? You think I didn't do that already?! What kind of a moron do you think I am?"

Upon seeing Luke Schenn, Ron Wilson was all like, "THAT KID IS AMAZING AND HE'S STAYING ON THE TEAM I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY DAMIEN COX YOU CAN GO SUCK YOUR OWN - - "

"Hey boss," Luke interrupts, knocking on the door, "I'm kind of ready to dominate. Can I just go right ahead and buy the condo downtown?"

"Of course you can kid. By a pimp ring such as my own while you're at it."

Brian Burke takes charge and he and Luke Schenn immediately form a bromance. The best bromance of all time. At the 2009 NHL Entry Draft, Brian is heard saying, "See what would have happened? If I would have traded Schenn and our first rounder to Tampa, we still wouldn't have gotten Tavares. YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT FUTURE CAPTAIN MATERIAL, POSSIBLY A FUTURE CAPTAIN, being traded, but then not getting Tavares. I would have looked like an idiot."

We love you Burkie.

Anyways.

Luke clearly dominates in his rookie year in th NHL. He ALLOWS Chris Neil of the Senaturds be his first fight. He introduced Tyler Kennedy of the Pittsburgh Penguins to his fists of fury he was born with as a child, and, when put as a player for a pre-season game shootout, he scored a fantabulous goal, which made Stajan make this face (epic Stajan face?! We think so)

Luke Schenn, now in his sophmore season, isn't phased by the "sophmore slump".
"Sophmore jinx? Bitch please," was reportedly his response when a reporter asked him about it. That reporter, just like little Stevie, was never heard from again.

Happy Birthday to LUKE FUCKING SCHENN who officially isn't a teenager anymore.

We hope many years of dominance and capitancy WITH THE LEAFS is in your near future, our good sir.

GO LEAFS!

PHIL KESSEL FTW?! WE HOPE SO!